Blood On My Eyes...

I kinda don't understand every single love stories in my life. Each chapter ended tragically and I am the one who messed up with everything. Is that consider due my own stupidity? Or others?

Back to the past, it's all like question marks flooded on my head... I can't help being insane and disappoint people around me.

Lately, I think am over thinking about someone who is not belong to me... I become the stalker and always want to know everything about that person daily activities. Sound stupid right? But...can't help it. 

I wondered about such things:

1. Who's in his mind right now?

2. Who's text with him everyday, every night?

3. Who's talking to him on phone at night?

4. What's he think about me?

5. What's his feeling about me after all?

6. Who's with him now?

7. ????????? LOTS!

I know am not suppose to ask... to know who, what, where, everything about his life because we are over..

At the end of day.... every day.... every night... I realize how stupid i am...and I pledge to myself before going to sleep, not to care about him, ignore him as hard as i can try and have a good heart for others. But I wake up in the morning, I reached my phone and checked if he send MSG to me... Even when I heard the rumors you are with others girls, my heart sank and there's tears rolled down my cheeks. I pretend to be okay and supportive, so you can see me as a strong girl who can live my own life without you. Believe me...I am so green. Sneaky read you post sometimes make me feel you can forget me easily...and I will said to myself "He don't need me in his life..." How can i go on my life with all this? 

Every time i tried to make it up for both of us, its will end in hurting me and you. Your egos so high, i cant break it down. I have to admit I am not a good girl for you. Even if u insult me, i will never...never mad at you. All i can do is turn off the phone, lay down my bed, close my eyes and silently cry with my hand on my chest. I must be in great pain and suffered...

But... I know, there's must be a way for me. Its not the end of world... Even i tried so hard, even i tried so bad, I know there's no chance for me. Its all my fault because you and my life are different. I have my own reasons for all this, about our relationships. People will not understand except the person who close to me. People will curse me for hurting your heart, people will talk. I don't really mind because they just know the minimum details about me...All that bad words wont hurt me anymore.

And here... I pray to God. Please...let me end all this peacefully without any doubt. Give me strength to accept everything that happened to me.  I am weak and I don't have anyone to turn to anymore... You are the one who will listen, who will stay and be with me no matter in any circumstances. For you, I give all my worries and obstacles to be cure, to be done and to be overcome. I love you God and I believe in Your miracle. And i want to pray for him, lets he find the better woman in his life, who will show his the Light of You. I know there's a woman who always with him. talking to him at night, who successfully persuade him to go to church. I will pray for their happiness God. I know I am not a good one, who always put myself into trouble, who always find the reasons to escape from attending the church. But, You are the great, You are my Father, You love me not matter what i had done. Thank You Lord.  In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray.. Amen.

For all this matter, i will find my ways to continue my life without you...
You are my past
But....
I still love you
I still dream of you
I still thinking of you
I still wants you
Have a good day my love
I wont stop you....
Because am happy for your happiness
'GOODBYE MEMORIES'

Love,

Baby Bianca